Coffee Plants and Endless Thoughts!

It is the one thing we all have in common, the prize for being slaves to time. I know no art or heart, only words and words alone—empty, meaningless vocabulary crying out and withering in pain. The question that haunts me at this late hour is appalling: death is neither a beginning nor an end. Don’t we all die, but why? Why do we always question death? Is it life that accompanies death, or is death the consequence of life? I ponder aimlessly, finding neither answers nor the courage to seek them out. This burgeoning, evil bastard does not acknowledge our existence. Did we have a choice in birth, or do we have a choice in death? What have life and death come to? Some deaths kill us from within, and some deaths heal us. The deaths of others often end up killing us from the inside, yet the death of oneself is the one and only thing that heals. This futile state—this choice less, senseless phase called existence—seems meaningless. What is death? Who gets to decide death? Is death the only s...

The improbable convergence of "identity," and "life" in a single sentence seems almost surreal. Yet, against all odds, it happens. This past year has been a tumultuous journey, to put it mildly. I've battled demons from my past, grappling with thoughts that threatened to derail my career and obscure my sense of self. It was an ongoing struggle against my own mind, a battle where I often felt lost and adrift. I wrestled with shame and internal conflict, facing skepticism and even disgust from my own family. To provide context, I've decided to abandon discretion and speak my truth, both to myself and those around me. While I'm proud of the battles I've fought, today I find myself here—dejected, disappointed, yet somehow still grasping at shards of happiness, whispering to myself, "I'm proud, and it will be okay." In August 2023, I received a diagnosis of clinical depression. For two months, I denied that anything was wrong, struggling to ...

The blue skies open in warm embrace anew For me it is melancholic and gloomy blue For you it shines bright like spring and florets Each of us in our corner living in contrast Our lives stay parallelly intertwined in history Profound memories they hang by a thread The spring florets withering in my gloomy sky Wounded scarred and scathing I lay rest A part of me wants to know if I was wrong A part of me bruised and bleeds curses The sweet and sour contours of love missed The agony, pain and adverse state of mind I am the broken and cursed tenant of time Battling in wars within and hiding away The war mongering thoughts of you leaving Pain surging from every breath and bone The sodomy of truth drowns me in guilty pain Questioning unto my everyday life profoundly The last bit of life in me still yearns for you Hoping the universe turns back it's clock  

  Beneath the sway of ocean waves, A sea of contradictions paves. Untraveled roads in silence lay, As divergent paths lead us away.   You bask in hues of azure's grace, While I seek solace in dark space. Your love for berries sweet and bright, Contrasts with my bitter, moonless night.   Your eyes alight with sunlight's gleam, While shadows cloud my every dream. To the world, you're joy's epitome, Yet in my eyes, no Fauntleroy, you be.   You wear whites and roseate hue, While I'm draped in black, askew. Your attire pressed with perfect care, Mine, crumpled in disheveled air.   Your smile, a set of pearls so fine, Mine, a curve tinged with pain's design. You dance with grace, without a stumble, While I falter, in doubt, I crumble.   You were my dawn, my dusk, my all, Leaving me adrift, lost in my thrall. You were my joy, my sorrow's song, Leaving me with shadows long.   In the mirror's void, I s...

  Walking through the Streets and climbing down the Stairs Following the aura of the brunette hair and the slaying smile You turn around and smirk while I could do nothing but smile. Dark green print, checkered shirt and shining nose, pierced.   I knew something instantly, a calling from the depths within The magical tide that gravitated me closer to you ever so slow I completely lost myself and followed you, pursuing aimlessly. Seeking just a word and a glimpse of that voice uttered by those lips.   The market streets crumbled behind me like a paper as I passed. The crinkling sound and the distorted pictures shadowed me. The aura that lay ahead of me remained picturesque in your beauty. While the chaos behind me continued to crumble and disintegrate.   The relative effects of time breached the laws of physics and failed. I stood amongst the corroded stairs looking at you and smiling. The summer sun seeping through the clouds illumin...

  How much longer? Will the pain ever subside? I question! My absurdist mind of mine lingers aimlessly in chaos. Thus, paving thoughts of destiny and death in dance.   Words of the devil sing to the tunes of my pain within.   What am I doing? Where am I heading? I question! Aimless as my life might be, the goal is the end but nay. The direction of the least faithful and most chaotic. I am sinking within the thoughts of my own demise.   Who am I truly? What do I want in life? I question! Mirror of truth is a reflection I detest because of the truth. Purpose within and beyond the realms remain muddled. I am unclear and confused about the purpose, past and present.   What is Love? Am I unlovable forever? I question! The alien and oblivious concept of love is Greek and Latin. The far reaches of the universe ask me more questions. The answers are shrouded in mystery, and I know none.   What is Life? Does an answer exist? I...

  I stood on the Shores of the east coast of Bay of Bengal. Listening to the Artistic dance of the waves crashing. The songs of the winds dancing over the sands. The blue waters churn into a galaxy of milky white.     The indentations of history the shores dearly held. Are literally a memory in the sands of time everlasting. The dunes carved by the flow of winds and men. As the shells and crabs adored the dunes aplenty   The sun provided the much-needed warmth to comfort. The winter clouds canopied above the horizon. The blue waters painted the skies in their own image. The surface below and above teaming with life.   The ocean has always been a place of reassure for me. A sense of warm hug at the times of uncertainty. The breeze friend that I can always count on till I die. A picturesque representation of a mind, my mind.   Empty above, but teaming with life within, in the dark. Vast and lonely away from the maiden...

On December 16, 2023, a pivotal moment reshaped my life. It marked a resurgence of emotions after a prolonged absence. Acting on my friend's recommendation, I ventured to the Anna Centenary Library for a Pantomime titled "MIB A Space Comet-y." Despite Chennai's notorious traffic, I hurried into Auditorium 10 just minutes before the show, consumed by anxiety and nerves as I settled among unfamiliar faces. But before delving further, a bit of context: in September 2023, I received a diagnosis of clinical depression. It took time for me to muster the courage to discuss it openly. I underwent a grueling journey battling insecurities and forgetting the taste of happiness. I contemplated and even attempted what some might poetically term as "eternal sleep." Medication became my companion in coping with these struggles. I confined myself within the four walls of my room, finding solace there but struggling to step beyond. I was adrift in a sea of pain and confusion...

  I don’t know who I am much beyond the scars of the past Scars that define, demean, and describe my life wholly Bickering burden of constant criticism soaked my benign soul   Sewn into my bloodstream were false hopes of love and care   I yearned for validation from not the beyond but the within The mirror reflected nothing but void when I looked Everything hanging by a flimsy thread of false hope Stringing my life together with a sense of nothingness   I have no sense of being and neither some meaning A passing cloud in the eyes of the world that matters I have no choice, say or a sense of belongingness All I have is a sense of false hope leading me into darkness   My thoughts slowly drowned me from within I did not struggle nor fight to claw my way up Instead, I let myself drown as I had nothing to live for     I had nothing but false hopes and false hopes indeed   I leave behind no legacy nor the past to ...

  Dear Mikee, 17 th September 2013     “Don’t hold back when the tears trickle down, because they will eventually dry out and you will smile. Smile with a true sense of happiness. The burden of the tears you hold back will outweigh the happiness after you let it run dry.” If you have this piece of paper in your hand, I want you to run into our hostel room and lock the doors behind you and hold it onto your chest and embrace it. I hope the warmth of my words can comfort you. They say it is always darkest just before dawn and I would like to reiterate that statement for you.   It is hard when the people around you don’t treat you like a human being. It is really hard to be deprived of basic dignity and love. I know you are struggling with the tag of being a liability to the school and being the last in the class. I know you failed your math exam over and over again and had to pass because they decided to show you pity. I know you hate attending so many remed...

  The hot afternoon wind blew from east to west roaring     As I sat in the storefront in the corner street wondering The half-lit cigarette gripped between my fingers yet dangling As the smoke that engulfed my life and lungs left me wondering   The sun slowly started to vanish with a cool breeze adieu The trees wept with flowers like a pleasant spring morning And the air slowly filled with your sweet fragrant presence You stood across the street like an angel in eternal glory   I stand in admiration and surprise reminiscing the yesteryears My inner child came gushing across like a river in love Traversing through the sands of time in an ocean of happiness You were my past, denied in the present and unsure of the future   I followed you crazily through the city mazes admiring from afar The memories of our time painted the city walls with colors of joy I was far yet close to you and close yet millions of miles away After m...

  For I promise that I will leave something behind for you all   Leave you all something that means the world and the stars A memory so happy that it floods you all with tears of joy As I head into my perpetual sleep far from the realms herein     The amalgamation of what I want and what I need now The end of superficial notions governed by the laws and ordeal Etched in time will be me dawning in your memory But nothing more than a distant memory and indeed memory   I want to dream about the happiness I never sensed I want to Dream about the love I never felt wholeheartedly I want to experience the peace of the dawning sun and moon I only seek that you all don’t hold on and wave me goodbye    Keep me alive in the canyons of your memories Let me flow through your emotions and water the soul Let me plant the seeds of strength as a flickering ghost Peacefully wishing you all well in my perpetual sleep    ...

  The words of Nietzsche and Cioran echoed in the silence The Silent Night sky screaming with fear and darkness The steady sunlight was still a long time away and uninvited   As we stood in the periphery of life, the existential curse   There is no meaning to life in the age of the living There is more meaning to life once we are deceased The human tendency forgets the before and the after For there is the eternal beginning once we are deadened   For a layman it might be the end, but the gods say nay The point of redundancy of the burden that we carry Because here I am ardently seeking the eternal beginning Where there is no emotion and the materialistic fiction   I see the light when I close my eyes and the darkness flipside I smell the blooming flowers and citrus when I stop breathing And the smell of rotten flesh engulfs my lungs when I breathe This is the irony of life and the truth that we most despise     ...